


it's hard to be anywhere these days

by freckledrob



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Internal Conflict, M/M, basically just aaron monologuing about how he feels about robert at the moment, tw for nongraphic mentions of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:49:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26830939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freckledrob/pseuds/freckledrob
Summary: This was the conversation Aaron’s been dreading. Things have been going well with Ben, despite the very rocky start, but there comes a time to have the talk.aaron and ben talk about the elephant in the room
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	it's hard to be anywhere these days

**Author's Note:**

> title from "this is me trying" by taylor swift
> 
> no hate to ben!! i actually really like his character so far & i'm interested to see where his (& aaron's) story goes! although obviously, robron will forever be number one in my heart.
> 
> this is a scene i've been imagining for months now but only recently got around to writing it out. hope you enjoy 💕

This was the conversation Aaron’s been dreading. Things have been going well with Ben, despite the very rocky start, but there comes a time to have the talk. 

Or rather, one of many talks. Specifically the “most recent ex” talk. And well,  _ really _ , how well can that go? It’s Robert they’re talking about. Well, it’s Robert they  _ will  _ be talking about. They haven’t actually gotten around to starting the conversation yet. They’re just sitting, in silence, on the sofa in the Mill.

“Are you gonna talk about him at all?” Ben eventually asks, and it’s an easy enough question to start with, but that doesn’t change the fact that Aaron’s stomach ties itself into knots at the idea.

He shrugs, “I’ve mentioned him before.”

They both know that’s only half true. Aaron has mentioned the “ex husband” a few times now, but it took them a while before Ben even learned his name and then another week or so before he had found out that Victoria wasn’t just Aaron’s mate, but also his ex-sister-in-law.

“Not really, you’re kind of quiet when it comes to him,” Ben pauses, then laughs quietly to himself, “Not that you’re a super chatty bloke to begin with…”

“It’s just…” Aaron sighs, picking at a string attached to one of the cushions. 

“ _ Complicated. _ ” They both say it at the same time. 

Ben shakes his head, “Yeah, I’ve got that bit down.”

Aaron fiddles with his empty ring finger, only stopping when he notices Ben staring. Truthfully, he has no fucking clue how to go about this. He never has. It was just him and Robert and that was that. Until it wasn’t. And now they’re here.

“You could start with how long you were together?” Ben suggests.

Aaron can’t help the scoff that leaves his throat. 

“Sorry it’s just… I don’t know how to even start explaining that. I don’t know how to explain any of it… _ clearly. _ ”

“You must’ve loved him a lot, to have stuck through all these ‘complicated’ bits.”

He must see how Aaron’s face shifts at the word “loved.”  _ Past-tense _ . As if it’s that easy.

“Or… you still love him, don’t you?”

Guilt churns in his stomach. But who’s he feeling guilty for? Himself? Robert? Ben? 

He wants this to be magically easy. 

Except he doesn’t. He’s never wanted easy, not really.

His silence seems to answer Ben’s question well enough. 

“Right.”

He doesn’t blame Ben for sounding affronted or for being put-off. He knows what it’s like getting attached to someone who can’t give you one hundred percent of their heart. And yeah, this is not the same as being in love with someone who is in a supposedly committed relationship. Because Ben and him aren’t in love and Aaron’s not married. Not anymore.

But that doesn’t mean everything doesn’t still hurt like hell. Like Aaron doesn’t still wake up and feel empty. Like he doesn’t want to scream and cry and curse whoever is in charge of his fate.

Ben’s thinking of doing a runner, Aaron can see it in his eyes. He has to say something now. And if he leaves after, well, Aaron will understand. 

“Listen, I don’t know what to say,” is what he starts with.

Ben looks at him like  _ “yeah, you’ve basically said that a thousand times now.” _

“If you’re wanting me to say that I’m not in love with Robert anymore, I can’t do that. I can’t just turn that switch off. It’s not that easy. Never has been. And  _ trust me _ , there have been enough times where I’ve wished it could be... But I can’t promise you that I’m not in love with him. I can’t promise you that I won’t still be in love with him in a years’ time or ten, or twenty.” He takes a deep breath, feels his throat tighten and the tears well up in his eyes.

“I can’t promise that thirteen years from now I won’t be at that flaming prison gate waiting to give him an earful, because as of _ right now _ , I  _ still _ can’t see a future without him in it. Despite everything.”

Ben doesn’t say anything. He just listens. And if he’s angry, he doesn’t show it.

“Despite _ everything, _ ” Aaron continues, “I still love him. I always have, no matter what he’s done. He can divorce me and cut me off but he can’t change how I feel. No one can. And I’m not saying I don’t like ya, because I do. Honestly, I do. I’m not saying that my feelings won’t ever change, because I don’t know that they won’t. All I can do is tell you how I feel right now. Because you deserve to know this. I owe ya that much.”

He feels exhausted. He feels  _ drained _ . He knows Ben probably won’t understand, because how could he? No one ever has. Except for one person and he’s sort of the source of this fucking problem to begin with. But Robert’s the problem Aaron wants. Always has been. 

Robert is also the problem Aaron can’t have. Not right now. Maybe not ever again, as much as that thought claws at his insides and makes him want to cough up blood.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron says on instinct. “I know that’s probably the last thing anybody wants to hear.”

“It is…” Ben blinks a few times, “It’s  _ intense _ , for sure. How you feel about him.”

Aaron huffs out a small laugh, “Intense is one way to say it.”

Ben opens his mouth, before snapping it shut again. He didn’t ask for this. Who would?

Aaron sighs. “I know you’re probably trying to sort out if starting anything with me is worth it. If it’s worth all the hassle. I can’t tell you that. All I know is I’m looking at thirteen years of radio silence from my ex-husband and yeah, for all I know my feelings might never change. But they also could. And that’s what I wanted ya to know.”

They sit in silence for a while. What else is there to do?

“I’m sorry,” Aaron apologises again.

Ben shakes his head. “You don’t need t-”

“I do. This isn’t exactly an ideal situation.”

He shrugs, “Can’t help how ya feel.”

Aaron bites the inside of his cheek. If this were another time, maybe he’d try and taste blood. But he’s not going to that place. And he definitely isn’t going there in front of Ben. He isn’t going there ever again, if he can help it.

What can be done? Ben likes Aaron. Aaron likes Ben but can’t stop loving Robert. Robert is in prison for the foreseeable future. Aaron feels stuck and he’s not sure which direction he wants to move. His heart is reaching for Robert, aching, pining, screaming. His brain wants him to be reasonable. Settle down with Ben, who is safe and kind. He’s being torn apart by a decision he doesn’t want to make.

If there’s a right answer, Aaron doesn’t know what it is.

**Author's Note:**

> so there's not exactly a resolution to this but that's because i'm having trouble envisioning what that would be and i think aaron is too. 
> 
> but i hope you liked this and thank you for reading!
> 
> find me @ friendlycitrus on tumblr + @cherubliv on twitter! 💗🌹💌


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